


first time

by zapatterson



Category: Blindspot
Genre: Angst, F/F, innocent teen tasha, ish
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-16
Updated: 2017-08-16
Packaged: 2018-12-15 22:55:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,251
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11815890
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zapatterson/pseuds/zapatterson
Summary: Patterson watched her face crumple, and she was struck with the thought of how much Tasha truly loved her which made her chest ache seeing the way the entire conversation chipped away at the brunette.





	first time

**Author's Note:**

> this is so random but I seem to only write when I don't have a real goal in mind

"What was your first time with a girl like?"  
It was a slow night at SIOC. Jane and Weller were off in Washington to catch up with Nas, Reade had the day off so Tasha and Patterson were left to do the mundane tasks. Tasha was sitting on the sofa in Patterson’s lab, coffee in hand. Patterson walked over from her computer to join the brunette.

They had been there in comfortable silence for two hours before the question left Patterson’s lips. She didn't mean to say it, but it was out there before she could stop herself, and all she wanted to do now was to sink into the floor and disappear. 

Tasha looked over to her slowly, one eyebrow arched curiously. "Why?"

Patterson shrugged as if she wasn’t utterly mortified. "Just wondering. You don't have to answer."

Tasha just hummed and sat up from her slouch to properly face the blonde on the sofa. "I mean it was nowhere near as good as yours."

Patterson laughed slightly, cheeks a bit red. "No- that's not- I mean, what was it like. I came to terms with my sexuality much later in life and misconceptions were quicker to disperse but I’m guessing it was different for you? I’m curious what young and wild Tasha was like."

Tasha stared over at the blonde for a while, deep in thought, she guessed. Patterson almost thought the brunette forgot to answer until she finally spoke.

"Her name was Michaela. My first time in most things." 

Patterson looked up sharply, suddenly refocused. "Your first time in general was with a girl?"

Tasha laughed, but it didn't hold much humour. "I know. I was seventeen and it was when I lived in Costa Rica, and she was an eighteen year old who made the world seem like it was putty in her hands. She was headstrong and really opened my eyes in a lot of ways."

Tasha gained this faraway look in her eyes that she always had when she reminisced about her past. Not that it happened often but one of Patterson’s favourite things to do was to listen to Tasha’s stories. She was always fascinated and enthralled by them regardless of how an outsider would view them. She could listen to Tasha speak for a lifetime. It was rare when she did and that’s probably why she hung onto every word the brunette spoke.

"I was living with my grandmother at the time." she smiled then, eyes fond and proud. "Michaela’s home wasn't far, and often, I'd go to hers so we could walk to school every morning."

"We met in Law class and I was intimidated by her at first, she always made compelling arguments that were far beyond my knowledge.” Tasha mused “I managed to spark up a conversation once, about a piece of homework we had been given and she offered to help me with it.

We spent hours, days, months practically attached at the hip after that but it blurred soon enough,” Tasha paused at that.

Tasha was staring at her hands when she continued "It wasn't something you talked about, those feelings. No one even acknowledged that it could be possible, and I'd certainly never heard of it before. Not with the sheltered upbringing I had. I tried to convince myself that it wasn't like that- that I wasn't like that. After all, I should like boys, right?" she laughed again, breathless, and Patterson’s heart broke for her. 

"But the more time I spent with Michaela- the more conversations we had- I knew. She knew too, but we never mentioned it. It was all smiles too big and looks that lasted too long. We were young. We had no idea where it could even go. Love was rare, and sex was only to have kids and a family.”

Patterson winced. "Oh Tash-"

Tasha just shook her head, and Patterson fell silent again, listening. 

"One day, we had been at the library, sat close as we hunched over a book, and she raised her head up at me and just... Looked." Tasha smiled softly. "Then she kissed me."

"What did you do?" Patterson asked quietly, and Tasha laughed, for real this time, head tipped back and shoulders shaking. 

"Oh, I was terrified." she chuckled. "I just sat there, frozen, before I finally kissed her back. She was so scared too, and I can still remember how she shook. Neither of us knew what we were doing, but she did it with everything she had." Tasha shook her head, as if trying to distance herself from the memory. "I'm sorry if I'm making you uncomfortable."

"No." Patterson breathed. "No, not at all. Do you- can you keep going? If you want to, that is. It's just- I like hearing your stories, especially with people... With people who helped shape you."

Tasha gave her a sad smile, eyes still fond through it. "You remind me of her, you know? You two are so alike. She would've loved you."

Patterson ducked her head, an odd combination of flattery and sadness in her chest. 

"Do you ever think about her?” She asked, and Tasha sighed, looking down again. 

"She was my first love." she said simply. "People's faces and their memories can fade over time , but I don't think I'll ever forget her. She died so young." Tasha’s voice was devastated, eyes becoming glassy. "Her family couldn’t afford treatment. I stayed by her side everyday and she told me she loved me. And I said the same. It took years for me to move on from her."

"Tasha," Patterson whispered, not knowing what else to say. "I’m so sorry."

Tasha wiped a tear away quickly, giving Patterson a soft look. "It's not your fault."

"But still." Patterson shook her head, furious at the world. Furious that Tasha- beautiful, loving, amazing Tasha had to lose someone like that. That she had to lose so many people in her life.

"It's not fair."

"No," Tasha admitted. "It's not. But people always leave, everyone is temporary.”

The sentence hung in the air, lingering, and the words couldn't be taken back. They were both thinking the same thing, but Patterson was the one to voice it.

"Like me."

Tasha winced. "Patterson..."

"It's true, though." Patterson said, not unkindly. "I'm going to be like Michaela, aren't I? I’ll leave in some way or another, that’s what you think?"

"That’s not what I meant."

Patterson watched her face crumple, and she was struck with the thought of how much Tasha truly loved her which made her chest ache seeing the way the entire conversation chipped away at the brunette. 

She reached over and held Tasha’s hands in her own.

"Im sorry I pushed." she said softly. "I didn't mean to make you hurt. And I-" she struggled with the words, pausing to collect her thoughts, because it was important that Tasha knew this. "I want you to know that I understand that you still love her, she was your first of many and that you always will.”

Tasha looked up at her, eyes wide and slightly shocked. "Patterson ," she breathed. "I miss Michaela, and I loved her dearly," she leaned forward to emphasise her next words, still gripping at the blondes hands. "But I love you now, and so I need you to know that."

Patterson blinked a few times, mouth moving wordlessly before she managed to speak, a small, genuine smile on her lips. 

"Yeah." she said. "I know."

**Author's Note:**

> I love the audrey/aja friendship so I try to incorporate that wherever I can hahaha hope you enjoyed it!


End file.
